2005

December 27th, 2005

Great Uncle Ray Got All The Dick

No, he wasn't gay, but apparently he was hung like John Holmes. My dad used to say that "he got all the dick in the Burke family."

Now, I can't state anything as a fact, but everyone I've ever met that knew him has told me he was hung like a horse. Everybody said that his wife (very short) grew to fit him (started tiny, turned into a lard ball - a mean one, at that - or so I'm led to believe)..

Here's the best story about Great Uncle Ray (My dad's uncle), as told to me by my Grandpa:

Seems this was during the WPA, so in the late 1940's, I suppose. My Grandpa & G. Uncle Ray were on a work team, out in the country somewhere, making the first roads into that area. You know, classic chain-gang type stuff, only they were getting paid - digging ditches, leveling the road, spreading gravel, and so on... All by hand...

Anyhoo, there was apparently this well-hung gent who liked to show off his "stuff," and this is how he did it: During their breaks, the guys would line up along the ditch for a pee. Well, this guy would aim his trouser trout around & pee on all of their toes.

Well, this went on for a day or two, and one of the guys went up to G. Uncle Ray & told him what was going on (quite embarrassed), told GU Ray that he had heard that he was packing some serious heat, and well, could he do anything about it?

GU Ray reportedly said "we'll see," and left it that.

Well, a couple days later, he's lining up with the rest of the guys to take a leak, and this other guy pees on his toes. GU Ray reportedly reached into *THE SIDE* of his overall, pulled schlong FROM UNDER HIS ARMPIT, and peed back on that guys toes.

According to Grandpa, he only took out enough to make his point!

Is that a helluva story, or what?


December 24th, 2005

'Twas the Night

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all though the house
Not a noise was made, except the click of a mouse.
The cookies were baked (and only three eaten)
'Cuz if Santa Clause doesn't come, we'll all get a beatin'

The kids were all snuggled deep in their beds,
'Cuz dad was too cheap to let the furnace turn red.
Mom was at work - and I in my shorts,
Carrying around presents as if it were sport.

When from up the stairs there came such a noise,
I sprang up the stairs, knocking over the toys.
Away to the kids' room I bounded,
Tripped over the dog and on my knees was grounded.

The kids' lights were turning night into day,
And I was staring in uncharacteristic dismay.
The kids were bouncing high in the beds,
On the ceiling, nearly cratering their heads.

The little monkeys were nimble and quick,
I swore to them they were scaring Saint Nick.
More rapid than a jet plane, my curses they came,
A was so livid, I called their ancestors by name:

Now Tom! Now Edna!
Now Jesse! Now Robert!
Come Goldie! Come William!
Come Rolla! Come Sara!
Come down from the heavens!
Come through the nether!
Take 'em away!
Take 'em away!
I don't want to see 'em again - no, not ever!

I then had an inkling, a clever small thought,
No, not duct tape, but milk with a shot!
So I ran down the stairs, sippee in hand,
and fell to the bottom, in a pile to land.

With some Jim Beam,
after limping to the kitchen,
I made some hot toddies
You could still hear me bitchin'.

Back up to their room, the toddies I carry,
I musn't lollygag, goldbrick, or tarry!
Their cute little mouths were shaped like an "O,"
They drank and they drank, My concoction so slow,
That by time they were done, Their necks started to bow.
I tucked 'em in bed, asleep fer shore,
went downstaires to finish my chore.

I was aching and bitchy - but in spite of myself,
I smiled at their antics - those cute lettle elves.
Back to the packing of presents I went,
wondering where came all the money we spent.

I mumbled some words and went on with my work,
Carrying presents, and feeling a dork.
The presents were all under the tree,
It'd been a long night, and I needed to pee.

Two more things before I headed to bed,
Both were way groovie,
eating some cookies,
and checking RvB for a new movie.

-Copyright Tom Burke, 2005/2006